Understanding Cowboy....?
Home About Me Archives	November 7, 2008 Why? I can remember before I was seven sitting on the cold marble steps of a house we lived in questioning who or what was controlling this thing I was thrown into. I can remember the pain as I cried far too many nights for a six year old. I cried because I had ruined my father’s marriage. I cried because of the beatings. I cried because there was no one to hold me. I cried a lot. I just wanted to know why. Depth of thought often comes at a terrible price. With each trial we pass through, the pain like a parasite eats away a piece of one’s soul. The emptiness that is left by each bite festers forever unless understanding and forgiveness is achieved. Forgiveness for both others and for ourselves is required and too often we are unable to forgive ourselves after easily forgiving others if others are involved. The subconscious, the nighttime of who we are is not always an apparent malady. For it requires an intense search and dissection of each painful event to find out that ultimately we have little control at what life throws at us. Truth is so many fear the night and not being able to see in its darkened shroud. Some people have far more trials than others. It is not fair, but it is what it is. And in the end there are many outcomes. Bitterness and anger too often rule the person who has suffered much but never taken the required journey within. For those who do not seek the healing it is always their fault for the event. Self esteem is shattered. The hatred that seems to come out and hurt others is misdirected, the self destructive behavior never seen. And the truth is that the damage is always worse for the perpetrator. The depth of thought is always accompanied at least by a scar on the center of our being. We then become people with “Dark Sides”. Hemingway is someone who I relate to in many ways and on many levels. I claim not to have his writing skills but I do have his affinity for self destruction and addiction. I have had many gifts as a result of the pain I have lived through and the pain I have lived with. Too often the parasites, scars and unhealed wounds manifest themselves in creativity. Then to share it results in depictions of the horror within or the story of the beauty the sufferer knows is there but never can reach. I have spent much of my life writing. I have spent all of my life searching. I have sought out many religions hoping for an answer to many questions. Why me? Why a child? Why is there so much pain in the paths of some but others sail through life without a bump? Who controls all this? But mainly just “why”? Why did I fall with no warning paralyzed? Why was it me? Why were there no symptoms? Why am I physically the ugly shell of who I once today? Why am I so lonely and isolated when I had friends and people always in my life? It is over ten years now that I have thought more than I have ever. The silence, the constant physical pain, the time to rehash my life and the deeds of the man I am and was, all run through my mind on replay forever and randomly. I do not know how - but I have always known something greater than man existed. Three times in my life a power has stepped in and changed everything in the blink of an eye. Three times I felt the presence. Three times I was left confused, devastated, totally ungrounded in everything I thought I believed in, but in the long run a better person as a result of the epiphany. Many more times I have heard the instructions of what you might call god or Allah in my own specific ways. Nothing for others to know, but directions for me to go in. Roads that I would never have ever taken, much less wanted others to. And in each of these side avenues was someone who either needed my help or in the end would show me something I needed to see. Sometimes it was years later when I would understand why the craziness was bestowed upon me weeks, months or years earlier. My initial travel was simply a training course for someone I was to meet later on in my lifetime. Having been down that road before, I had the words and had a way to cope with their devastation at life’s hands. Nothing ever is for coincidence. Even the brutality I lived with from my first breath occurred to mold me into who I am today. And because I can see the ultimate good that came from that pain, I could forgive my father many years ago. Man just is to busy to see the relationships and reasons for people entering into their lives as well as for their own experiences. In fact man does everything in their power to not feel or think. Hurt is something to be paid back. Yes I am guilty of that. But the fact is pain results in change. And pain results in lessons if one is open to the search of “why”. That unfortunately requires thought, and feeling, and exploring the pain itself in search of understanding. I have always been comfortable in my rejection of religion. “God” or this force that I feel and hear at times, comes from that which scientists cannot ever understand much less explain. The human soul and the human spirit. The human nuclear reactor within each of us that pushes us to do inhuman things at times to save our children, or allows one special person to see the beauty within someone the rest of society scorns or avoids. The person who can love a leper is a person who can truly love. The person who can love a leper sees past the puss and the open sores to the goodness of character and heart within. It the greatest gift for a person to love with their heart and soul, not with their eyes and for want of power or material things. That is unconditional love. That is loving like a dog loves. It is loving as a god loves. Many decades ago it was named soul mates. The act of two souls uniting. Today that love is lost. Today few can ever see that they do love based on money and on power and on looks. Today the term soul mates is ruined and wasted. Poets and writers have forever tried to use useless words to convey the experience felt when two souls lock. I often wonder if soul mates were those souls that had loved on another step of this journey. In any event, I have had that connection, and I do know that there is a love most people can never imagine. As there are questions people never ask. With many more answers out there that people never search for due to the price of the trip. As it is with the love I have felt, I have felt totally frustrated by inability due to limited vocabulary that would allow someone else to experience the interactions I have had with the god of my understanding. I am not a prophet. I am not a person who wants to start a new movement, religion, or cult. I just wish there was a way you could feel what I have felt. I wish there was a way I could describe that how, no matter things I was repulsed by and refused to consider ever dealing with, that I was soon fully entwined with because I could simply not refuse the instructions, and the force dragging me to the situation. Scientists can explain why some things are. They fail at explaining at how all things started. Religion gives each man an excuse to not take their own journey to seek answers to questions asked forever. (All the while making a healthy profit.) And no matter how either tries to explain the beginning of all of this and the purpose of all this I thought the answer was always obvious. I was comfortable with my understanding of the answer I had to “Why”. And just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water - I discovered two days ago a question that can never and will never be answered. Since that thought fell upon me like a huge weight I have been obsessed with it. I hate not knowing anything. I am the questioner of everything. I want answers. I want to know why someone I love so much lied to me about things not worth lying about. This is an answer that is available. This is an answer I will never have because for it to be spoken means she must go within and learn more about why it is easier to lie – than to be truthful. That makes me crazy. I feel it is my right to know why I suffered so at her hands. But I am not foolish enough to think that she will ever make that journey. And I am foolish enough to still want to believe that she did love me. If she never did, all of my pain supporting here and trying to keep her mentally together, all of my efforts to push her to grow and to give – were wasted on nothing. I want to know why people like Hitler were so able to easily sway a nation. Especially when we are in as desperate a times now that the German people were in during the 1930’s. Their economy was shot, their life was forced frugality, their faith in government gone, and along comes someone that can stir people passionately, and with so little effort change the course of history. Not a genius or a great leader or warrior, but a seemingly common man who could make the people feel like he was able to relate to their plight. He preached change. He slaughtered millions, and killed millions more in his war. This was something the downtrodden German people who supported his passionate words never would have ever imagined occurring. And in the end he hurt them so much worse than when he came upon them. It is one thing to not be able to attain an answer that is attainable. I realize I have no power or control over the woman who lied so easily. I realize that it would have to be her path change that might one day get me the relief I so desperately seek. Never before two nights ago did I find a question that I firmly believe there is no answer to. Or that if there is an answer it will never be known because man is incapable of even beginning to think at such a level as to comprehend it. Man sends rovers to mars to study ice. Why? Because man feels that life is dependent on water. That is exactly why I have so little regards for science’s explanations for the beginning of all of this existence. Is not arrogant to assume that life on another planet which is nothing like ours, if it ever had life on it, might just be a form so different as to be one that needs nothing we need to survive. I have always believed that this life with a physical body was but a step in a journey. The spirit moves onto the next phase or step. The body is discarded but the energy that is our spirit and our soul moves onto something else. I had always hoped to believe that in the next life/step/phase that we would be forever with those that we ever loved in the mindset of our love. All of my lost dogs, all of my lost friends, the good adults that tried to help a troubled young man, the women who inspired such caring in me, a mother that was healthy and strong, a sister that was compassionate and openly loving, and a father that was able to express his love instead of his brutality. It is what I always felt awaited my death. I also believed, as most others do, that it will be a period of enlightenment. A time when I would meet the god of my understanding and everything would become clear. A time when I can ask what I was supposed to have learned on some of the paths I still have not figured out. I will understand everything. There will be no questions. There will be no “whys” left. Is that not heaven, when there are no more questions? Without questions there cannot be pain or hatred or fear. Everything would be known and everything would be as it should be and was meant to be. So two nights ago I was thinking about other people’s god. About the bible, the Koran, Shinto’s, the beauty of the American Indians belief system and so many other theories that people accept to believe because they can then try to understand the ”whys” of their existence. Beliefs that are accepted because they were raised and without question came to accept them. Beliefs that are forced on some because of the location of their birth. Beliefs that befit lazy people who want answers without the work. It dawned on me that there were two explanations that seem to be the ones people come to believe in when the beginnings of the world are discussed. Either there is a more powerful force that created all of this or that we are the result of some matter evolving either by coming through a black hole or smashing into other matter. The scientific attempts to explain the world and the universe and life have one shortcoming as I see it. When something tangible (matter) is used in the explanation I am still left with the question, who or what created the matter? If the atom is the smallest particle then who created the first atom? I personally doubt that the atom is the smallest particle; I feel that we just have no method to see what makes up an atom. Is not a substance made up of other substance(s)? Then the best science can do is lead us to the base substance.. And still I ask, who or what created the base substance? Of course the answer is some being/power/force/god/entity that we have yet to understand. I seemed to reach a deeper level on that night 48 hours ago. I was thinking about my scientific rebuttal and the ways to prove that there is a power so great that it does know what each of us is doing, thinking, and saying at any second. A “god” so great that there is no possible way for us to ever understand much less ever be able to imagine it’s force or depth or even the concept of such an entity. And it was one of those instances where a passing thought interrupted my train of thought and then left me sleepless for the night. I guess I assume that everything has a starting point, a span of time to exist, and then an ending point. Man is conceived, he lives, then he dies. A tree is a seed shed from bird feces that was carried 100 miles then grows and at some point in time dies by one means or another. Everything is so tidy when logically it has a start and an end. From the time one is born the end is the same for all of us. It is not always reached in the same manner or at the same time, but at some point we will depart from the body that is powered by the spirit and the soul. And as in religion, the god of my understanding, is the starting point for all of this. His existence explains it all - Or did. It was so easy until that passing thought. It was so tidy. It was logical. But I screwed up I guess. My depth probably crossed that line from darkness to insanity several times since. And I have thought of little else since having the flashing words pass through my mind. I now have a question that cannot ever be answered. And I understand less than I ever have. If your god or my god is responsible for all of this, meaning life, the base substance, the universe and every iota of knowledge we do know or shall know, then there is but one thing left to ask – Who or what created your god or my god? And who created their creator? And theirs? That is the base question that flashed through my mind. Then of course the subsequent questions that have been broached before: Would my god have the answers to everything before/above him? If so why does he even exist? The answer to that would be that we are all fleas on the proverbial dog and we exist either as amusement like to a game of Risk or we exist for research or servitude? But I doubt servitude for we cannot get along enough as a species to produce anything of any value much less maintain the status of the farm in a healthy state. At his level there might be millions of “gods” that each develops their own worlds for comparison, research, amusement, science, for any number of reasons. Could the god of my understanding have us as his own people farm as we might have a huge ant farm? Does the god of my understanding have a finite existence? Does he gain a way into his heaven by how good a job he does in running his world(s)? Could be simply be pets? Then why are some treated so well, others so mistreated and still others to pass through life with neither pain or joy just doing what they were trained to do? The base question of who created god is a question that I can see no answer to. For it can always be asked for the next level to be shown to us. And if we ever could reach the last level, that level itself would never be comprehensible to us. We would just not have the brain power for it to be. It is not circular. It is not pretty with a beginning, a middle and an end. The question is infinitely redundant. A question with always another behind it - Asked by each being at each level of their existence. And there cannot be an answer that any human being could ever grasp, understand, or think of, much less imagine. Jesus was created by Joseph and Mary. Who ultimately came from Adam and Eve. And God created Adam and Eve after creating the world and the stars and everything. But there is more to the story – Who created god? Who created whomever created god? And who -
	Home

Understanding Cowboy....?

Why?

I can remember before I was seven sitting on the cold marble steps of a house we lived in questioning who or what was controlling this thing I was thrown into. I can remember the pain as I cried far too many nights for a six year old. I cried because I had ruined my father’s marriage. I cried because of the beatings. I cried because there was no one to hold me. I cried a lot. I just wanted to know why.

Depth of thought often comes at a terrible price. With each trial we pass through, the pain like a parasite eats away a piece of one’s soul. The emptiness that is left by each bite festers forever unless understanding and forgiveness is achieved. Forgiveness for both others and for ourselves is required and too often we are unable to forgive ourselves after easily forgiving others if others are involved. The subconscious, the nighttime of who we are is not always an apparent malady. For it requires an intense search and dissection of each painful event to find out that ultimately we have little control at what life throws at us. Truth is so many fear the night and not being able to see in its darkened shroud.

Some people have far more trials than others. It is not fair, but it is what it is. And in the end there are many outcomes. Bitterness and anger too often rule the person who has suffered much but never taken the required journey within. For those who do not seek the healing it is always their fault for the event. Self esteem is shattered. The hatred that seems to come out and hurt others is misdirected, the self destructive behavior never seen. And the truth is that the damage is always worse for the perpetrator.

The depth of thought is always accompanied at least by a scar on the center of our being. We then become people with “Dark Sides”. Hemingway is someone who I relate to in many ways and on many levels. I claim not to have his writing skills but I do have his affinity for self destruction and addiction. I have had many gifts as a result of the pain I have lived through and the pain I have lived with. Too often the parasites, scars and unhealed wounds manifest themselves in creativity. Then to share it results in depictions of the horror within or the story of the beauty the sufferer knows is there but never can reach.

I have spent much of my life writing. I have spent all of my life searching. I have sought out many religions hoping for an answer to many questions. Why me? Why a child? Why is there so much pain in the paths of some but others sail through life without a bump? Who controls all this? But mainly just “why”? Why did I fall with no warning paralyzed? Why was it me? Why were there no symptoms? Why am I physically the ugly shell of who I once today? Why am I so lonely and isolated when I had friends and people always in my life?

It is over ten years now that I have thought more than I have ever. The silence, the constant physical pain, the time to rehash my life and the deeds of the man I am and was, all run through my mind on replay forever and randomly.

I do not know how - but I have always known something greater than man existed. Three times in my life a power has stepped in and changed everything in the blink of an eye. Three times I felt the presence. Three times I was left confused, devastated, totally ungrounded in everything I thought I believed in, but in the long run a better person as a result of the epiphany.

Many more times I have heard the instructions of what you might call god or Allah in my own specific ways. Nothing for others to know, but directions for me to go in. Roads that I would never have ever taken, much less wanted others to. And in each of these side avenues was someone who either needed my help or in the end would show me something I needed to see. Sometimes it was years later when I would understand why the craziness was bestowed upon me weeks, months or years earlier. My initial travel was simply a training course for someone I was to meet later on in my lifetime. Having been down that road before, I had the words and had a way to cope with their devastation at life’s hands. Nothing ever is for coincidence. Even the brutality I lived with from my first breath occurred to mold me into who I am today. And because I can see the ultimate good that came from that pain, I could forgive my father many years ago. Man just is to busy to see the relationships and reasons for people entering into their lives as well as for their own experiences. In fact man does everything in their power to not feel or think. Hurt is something to be paid back. Yes I am guilty of that. But the fact is pain results in change. And pain results in lessons if one is open to the search of “why”. That unfortunately requires thought, and feeling, and exploring the pain itself in search of understanding.

I have always been comfortable in my rejection of religion. “God” or this force that I feel and hear at times, comes from that which scientists cannot ever understand much less explain. The human soul and the human spirit. The human nuclear reactor within each of us that pushes us to do inhuman things at times to save our children, or allows one special person to see the beauty within someone the rest of society scorns or avoids. The person who can love a leper is a person who can truly love. The person who can love a leper sees past the puss and the open sores to the goodness of character and heart within. It the greatest gift for a person to love with their heart and soul, not with their eyes and for want of power or material things. That is unconditional love. That is loving like a dog loves. It is loving as a god loves.

Many decades ago it was named soul mates. The act of two souls uniting. Today that love is lost. Today few can ever see that they do love based on money and on power and on looks. Today the term soul mates is ruined and wasted. Poets and writers have forever tried to use useless words to convey the experience felt when two souls lock. I often wonder if soul mates were those souls that had loved on another step of this journey. In any event, I have had that connection, and I do know that there is a love most people can never imagine. As there are questions people never ask. With many more answers out there that people never search for due to the price of the trip.

As it is with the love I have felt, I have felt totally frustrated by inability due to limited vocabulary that would allow someone else to experience the interactions I have had with the god of my understanding. I am not a prophet. I am not a person who wants to start a new movement, religion, or cult. I just wish there was a way you could feel what I have felt. I wish there was a way I could describe that how, no matter things I was repulsed by and refused to consider ever dealing with, that I was soon fully entwined with because I could simply not refuse the instructions, and the force dragging me to the situation.

Scientists can explain why some things are. They fail at explaining at how all things started. Religion gives each man an excuse to not take their own journey to seek answers to questions asked forever. (All the while making a healthy profit.) And no matter how either tries to explain the beginning of all of this and the purpose of all this I thought the answer was always obvious. I was comfortable with my understanding of the answer I had to “Why”.

And just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water - I discovered two days ago a question that can never and will never be answered. Since that thought fell upon me like a huge weight I have been obsessed with it.

I hate not knowing anything. I am the questioner of everything. I want answers. I want to know why someone I love so much lied to me about things not worth lying about. This is an answer that is available. This is an answer I will never have because for it to be spoken means she must go within and learn more about why it is easier to lie – than to be truthful. That makes me crazy. I feel it is my right to know why I suffered so at her hands. But I am not foolish enough to think that she will ever make that journey. And I am foolish enough to still want to believe that she did love me. If she never did, all of my pain supporting here and trying to keep her mentally together, all of my efforts to push her to grow and to give – were wasted on nothing.

I want to know why people like Hitler were so able to easily sway a nation. Especially when we are in as desperate a times now that the German people were in during the 1930’s. Their economy was shot, their life was forced frugality, their faith in government gone, and along comes someone that can stir people passionately, and with so little effort change the course of history. Not a genius or a great leader or warrior, but a seemingly common man who could make the people feel like he was able to relate to their plight. He preached change. He slaughtered millions, and killed millions more in his war. This was something the downtrodden German people who supported his passionate words never would have ever imagined occurring. And in the end he hurt them so much worse than when he came upon them.

It is one thing to not be able to attain an answer that is attainable. I realize I have no power or control over the woman who lied so easily. I realize that it would have to be her path change that might one day get me the relief I so desperately seek.

Never before two nights ago did I find a question that I firmly believe there is no answer to. Or that if there is an answer it will never be known because man is incapable of even beginning to think at such a level as to comprehend it. Man sends rovers to mars to study ice. Why? Because man feels that life is dependent on water. That is exactly why I have so little regards for science’s explanations for the beginning of all of this existence. Is not arrogant to assume that life on another planet which is nothing like ours, if it ever had life on it, might just be a form so different as to be one that needs nothing we need to survive.

I have always believed that this life with a physical body was but a step in a journey. The spirit moves onto the next phase or step. The body is discarded but the energy that is our spirit and our soul moves onto something else. I had always hoped to believe that in the next life/step/phase that we would be forever with those that we ever loved in the mindset of our love. All of my lost dogs, all of my lost friends, the good adults that tried to help a troubled young man, the women who inspired such caring in me, a mother that was healthy and strong, a sister that was compassionate and openly loving, and a father that was able to express his love instead of his brutality. It is what I always felt awaited my death.

I also believed, as most others do, that it will be a period of enlightenment. A time when I would meet the god of my understanding and everything would become clear. A time when I can ask what I was supposed to have learned on some of the paths I still have not figured out. I will understand everything. There will be no questions. There will be no “whys” left. Is that not heaven, when there are no more questions? Without questions there cannot be pain or hatred or fear. Everything would be known and everything would be as it should be and was meant to be.

So two nights ago I was thinking about other people’s god. About the bible, the Koran, Shinto’s, the beauty of the American Indians belief system and so many other theories that people accept to believe because they can then try to understand the ”whys” of their existence. Beliefs that are accepted because they were raised and without question came to accept them. Beliefs that are forced on some because of the location of their birth. Beliefs that befit lazy people who want answers without the work.

It dawned on me that there were two explanations that seem to be the ones people come to believe in when the beginnings of the world are discussed. Either there is a more powerful force that created all of this or that we are the result of some matter evolving either by coming through a black hole or smashing into other matter. The scientific attempts to explain the world and the universe and life have one shortcoming as I see it. When something tangible (matter) is used in the explanation I am still left with the question, who or what created the matter? If the atom is the smallest particle then who created the first atom?

I personally doubt that the atom is the smallest particle; I feel that we just have no method to see what makes up an atom. Is not a substance made up of other substance(s)? Then the best science can do is lead us to the base substance.. And still I ask, who or what created the base substance?

Of course the answer is some being/power/force/god/entity that we have yet to understand.

I seemed to reach a deeper level on that night 48 hours ago. I was thinking about my scientific rebuttal and the ways to prove that there is a power so great that it does know what each of us is doing, thinking, and saying at any second. A “god” so great that there is no possible way for us to ever understand much less ever be able to imagine it’s force or depth or even the concept of such an entity. And it was one of those instances where a passing thought interrupted my train of thought and then left me sleepless for the night.

I guess I assume that everything has a starting point, a span of time to exist, and then an ending point. Man is conceived, he lives, then he dies. A tree is a seed shed from bird feces that was carried 100 miles then grows and at some point in time dies by one means or another. Everything is so tidy when logically it has a start and an end. From the time one is born the end is the same for all of us. It is not always reached in the same manner or at the same time, but at some point we will depart from the body that is powered by the spirit and the soul.

And as in religion, the god of my understanding, is the starting point for all of this. His existence explains it all - Or did. It was so easy until that passing thought. It was so tidy. It was logical.

But I screwed up I guess. My depth probably crossed that line from darkness to insanity several times since. And I have thought of little else since having the flashing words pass through my mind. I now have a question that cannot ever be answered.

And I understand less than I ever have.

If your god or my god is responsible for all of this, meaning life, the base substance, the universe and every iota of knowledge we do know or shall know, then there is but one thing left to ask –

Who or what created your god or my god? And who created their creator? And theirs? That is the base question that flashed through my mind.

Then of course the subsequent questions that have been broached before:

Would my god have the answers to everything before/above him? If so why does he even exist? The answer to that would be that we are all fleas on the proverbial dog and we exist either as amusement like to a game of Risk or we exist for research or servitude? But I doubt servitude for we cannot get along enough as a species to produce anything of any value much less maintain the status of the farm in a healthy state.

At his level there might be millions of “gods” that each develops their own worlds for comparison, research, amusement, science, for any number of reasons. Could the god of my understanding have us as his own people farm as we might have a huge ant farm? Does the god of my understanding have a finite existence? Does he gain a way into his heaven by how good a job he does in running his world(s)?

Could be simply be pets? Then why are some treated so well, others so mistreated and still others to pass through life with neither pain or joy just doing what they were trained to do?

The base question of who created god is a question that I can see no answer to. For it can always be asked for the next level to be shown to us. And if we ever could reach the last level, that level itself would never be comprehensible to us. We would just not have the brain power for it to be.

It is not circular. It is not pretty with a beginning, a middle and an end.

The question is infinitely redundant. A question with always another behind it - Asked by each being at each level of their existence.

And there cannot be an answer that any human being could ever grasp, understand, or think of, much less imagine.

Jesus was created by Joseph and Mary. Who ultimately came from Adam and Eve. And God created Adam and Eve after creating the world and the stars and everything. But there is more to the story –
Who created god? Who created whomever created god? And who -

Home