Understanding Cowboy....?
Home About Me Archives	November 27. 2008 Thanks Rebecca ..... Rebecca Daub, 1995 – tonight I again celebrate our meeting with the gift you gave me that night in Fort Lauderdale. The gift was one that in many ways lead me to the suicide in 1999. For with it I can find minutes of no pain, physical or emotional. It numbs the entire being of me. For a while I do not hurt.. For a while I feel whole.. Thanksgiving this year is hard. With so many health issues pending, and the economy, and world in the shape that it is – I of course choose to escape for a while. And I call upon the gift again. But it is gone, as always too fast, and tomorrow I know I will pay with the pain and sickness that is the aftermath. I am so tired. Tired of the loneliness of feeling like the only person in the world who has a terrible secret that is understood by none. Tired of the physical pain that occurs from my simply holding my head up. Tired from the kidney stone that has cost me a year of my life, lessened my ability to walk and weakened the muscles that were not that strong to a year ago but much less so now.. I have never felt the hopelessness that I do now. Never have I not had a reason. Before I always used the dogs as a reason to go through another day. But I miss human touch so much now. 20 years ago I would pay a prostitute to come and not do anything but hold me. Then the next day be lonelier than the day before and much poorer. Maybe that is a wisdom I wish I had never attained. Yesterday a young man was here putting in a new garage door and he made the comment on how his boss had mentioned that “I had trouble getting around and moving.” Those words were innocent but they cut me deeply. A reminder that every day will be spent alone, every step a painful one, and each moment alive spent either fighting pain or sitting still staving it off. The dogs are no longer a reason. I can get them a new home or simply call the spca and make it someone else’s problem. Isn’t that what we do? Rebecca Daub – thank you.. For you understood and introduced me to the devil that now can take me away for a minute. And even though I paid you for your time, you were one to call to just talk. To see how I was doing and do so without asking if I cared for company. You are my Mary Magdalene. Scorned by society, but in one persons eyes – perfect. I hope your thanksgiving is beautiful. I hope you got away from what you introduced me to.. I hope you gained a smile from within, not from the things ingested. Thank You Rebecca..
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Understanding Cowboy....?

Thanks Rebecca .....

Rebecca Daub, 1995 – tonight I again celebrate our meeting with the gift you gave me that night in Fort Lauderdale.

The gift was one that in many ways lead me to the suicide in 1999. For with it I can find minutes of no pain, physical or emotional. It numbs the entire being of me. For a while I do not hurt.. For a while I feel whole..

Thanksgiving this year is hard. With so many health issues pending, and the economy, and world in the shape that it is – I of course choose to escape for a while. And I call upon the gift again. But it is gone, as always too fast, and tomorrow I know I will pay with the pain and sickness that is the aftermath.

I am so tired. Tired of the loneliness of feeling like the only person in the world who has a terrible secret that is understood by none. Tired of the physical pain that occurs from my simply holding my head up. Tired from the kidney stone that has cost me a year of my life, lessened my ability to walk and weakened the muscles that were not that strong to a year ago but much less so now..

I have never felt the hopelessness that I do now. Never have I not had a reason. Before I always used the dogs as a reason to go through another day. But I miss human touch so much now. 20 years ago I would pay a prostitute to come and not do anything but hold me. Then the next day be lonelier than the day before and much poorer. Maybe that is a wisdom I wish I had never attained.

Yesterday a young man was here putting in a new garage door and he made the comment on how his boss had mentioned that “I had trouble getting around and moving.” Those words were innocent but they cut me deeply. A reminder that every day will be spent alone, every step a painful one, and each moment alive spent either fighting pain or sitting still staving it off.

The dogs are no longer a reason. I can get them a new home or simply call the spca and make it someone else’s problem. Isn’t that what we do?

Rebecca Daub – thank you.. For you understood and introduced me to the devil that now can take me away for a minute. And even though I paid you for your time, you were one to call to just talk. To see how I was doing and do so without asking if I cared for company.

You are my Mary Magdalene. Scorned by society, but in one persons eyes – perfect.

I hope your thanksgiving is beautiful. I hope you got away from what you introduced me to.. I hope you gained a smile from within, not from the things ingested.

Thank You Rebecca..

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